The Day Before Green Belt: Panic Sets In

Too many months ago, I took my Nia white belt and blogged about it. Tomorrow I go green  and let me tell you it has been a veritable rain storm the last few days.  Ever have that dream where you are back in school, running through the hallways about to take a test on a subject you have never even heard of? Yep, that is me only I barred, and read, memorized triads and catch phrases, gone through the fifty-two moves and listened to the music to Sanjana so very many times. I have been cooking meals for the family while I am gone, given up my car so everyone can make their appointments, movies and rehearsals in my absence including making an apple pudding because I. Am. Just. That . Awesome. (In my mind!)  Yet it still feels like I am not ready and my mind blanks at the thought of tests and teaching the songs in the big kid studio.  Maybe going green was a mistake, maybe I am not ready. Maybe, maybe maybe. The spinning in my head goes on.  My critics are out in force and are they ever kicking my butt until I have come to the conclusion that I could do everything and it will never be enough. I can hold the space in the home giving every ounce of compassion and love to my husband and my kids until I realize I am forgetting to give the love and compassion to myself.  I have forgotten how to celebrate myself and that touches a wound deep inside me that brings tears even as I write this. Is that too raw, too honest for a blog post? It is me right now today.  Sometimes life gets hard and overwhelming.  Today I am raining.

Tomorrow I will begin class where I will be a whale among dolphins. A prospect that is a little less frightening when I remember the truth of being a whale is beauty, grace and strength, whose songs are worth singing.  Tomorrow I will learn and dance and laugh and do my very best.

As I look at my dirty laundry, I have come to a single conclusion, it is time to go buy a new wardrobe!

So I leave you with this video because house music makes everything better!