I knew, even as I was feeling uncertain and afraid the day before, that I was going into a special week. What I didn't know was how much I would feel it in my body so deeply. It was a fun week with lots of laughter. It was a learning week as my appreciation for the 52 moves, MADAHA, FAMSS, the 13 principles, 7 cycles, katas and the attention to details grew along with the realization of where my focus needs to go. It was a week of relaxation as my nervous system worked on calming down and allowing the information to flow naturally and organically. It was a week of reminders as I re-discovered the power of the four allies (Speak with impeccability, Don't assume anything, Don't take things personally, Always do your best - for those curious) as I brought them home with me each night and the resulting conversations with my husband and my children were both lighter and more meaningful at the same time. It was a week of healing my body, my emotions and my spirit in a way that gives me hope and a profound sense of joy. It was also a week of facing one of my biggest fears (something I swore I could and would never even attempt to do) and teach part of a song at studio Nia and in front of Debbie Rosas who was taking notes AND I didn't die!!
There were so many moments, so many 'awe'-ha, I get it now, so many little kindnesses and chances to listen and heal, to grow as a student and a teacher and a Nia practitioner both in the studio and at home. I could tell you about relaxation and RAW, about my discovery of the fifty-two moves and my improvement from when I took my white belt and the immense growth that I have still to make. I could tell you about the 'surprise' of team teaching the 52 moves in a morning Nia class, my initial reaction of panic (I found the hallway a good place to cry for a moment before returning to the class in close stance) and then settling into my body and just doing my best. There were moments of coming home at night, my mind and body tired, yet finding the space with ease to talk with my family about their day, holding my daughter when she cried over the loss of another friend moving away, playing with son and letting my husband know how much I love him.
The moment that stands out for me the most where the biggest shift happened was the very last day where Winalee guided us through forty-five minutes of floorplay. We started in complete relaxation immediately after clearing the space and encouraged to maintain that same sense of relaxation as we moved on the floor exploring our body's way and sensations. We played with music, emotions, contrasts, sound, animals, the five sensations and with pleasure. Okay, reading what I just wrote does not even begin to describe the powerful nature of what we played with. For me, it was incredible. As with anyone, I have my 'issues', my 'monsters' that I wake up and battle every day. Some days are easier the others to keep the critical voices and anxiety at bay while other days (see blog post below) it can become very stormy and I just hang on, trying not to drown. And it is not always tears, in fact I have only recently given myself permission to cry and release the pain then my usual 'pretend it does not exist and it will go away, right?' method. About a month ago, an event put things into motion that had be really acknowledge my worth and my strength. I began to own who I am, what I feel and drive out (with help from some amazing friends) a negative force in my life and home. It was exhausting, exhilarating and revealing as much of the negativity was not mine. It was a huge shift as I understood, in a deep way, I was not to blame. This was not mine and I did not want it. Not only did this free me from an emotional burden I was carrying but it allowed me to pulse a vision of the life I wanted in love and intent. (A very wise person told me to pulse it, act it.)
I know, I know, how can this possibly relate to floorplay? It does in every way that matters. See, in this incredible state of relaxation and play, I let myself feel more of my body sensations, I went deeper wanting to truly feel and explore just what my body could do. Let me tell you, it was some pretty amazing stuff that I did not know I could do or feel and it was wonderful. I wanted more, to see how far I could take this. At this time, Winalee guides us into feeling a sensation of pure pleasure within our bodies. I dived in, no thought just a heightened awareness within and without. Wow even just the memory carries so much power for me. As Winalee tell us that we are all beautiful, I knew, in that moment for the first time in my life, that I was. Truly. I could feel it in every cell and it was true. Before that moment, when beauty was talked about and how lovely everyone is, I would intellectually nod my head and move on because there was always a little voice inside of me that would whisper, 'but not me'. I could see it in others effortlessly. But not fully in myself. After all, 'not me' was the message that had been reinforced so many times in so many different ways when I was growing up, how could it possibly be otherwise. Yet, in that very moment, my body, me and everything about me was beautiful and so very right for the first time in a very long time. I know the truth now because I felt it resonate in every cell of my body. I, of course, then completely crumbled down and cried. Not because it was wrong but because it was right, because I needed to wash away the old pain in light of this very new and powerful truth. My truth.
...exhale...
I was blessed with the loveliest of women to share this experience with, each one amazingly beautiful and powerful, each with unique voices and gifts and I learned something from every single one. Our lives entwined together in a infusion of somatic play. We became Winalee's green jelly beans in a community of exploration and love. If you ever have the opportunity to learn from Winalee or Debbie Rosas who radiate their mastery of Nia not only in the studio but in every moment of life, then take it without hesitation.
White belt training was pretty incredible and I remember that feeling of new and of all the gifts I received. It started this all. Yet Green to me will always be the belt that I earned every step of the way as I choose to study and learn, to test myself, to take risks, to relax, to really embody the principles and the practice. So yes, I had a really good week. Anyone wants to dive in, I'll be swimming in the pool :)
